The shame of asking.

I just finished watching Amanda Palmer's TED talk, and if you haven't watched it I really suggest you do. Here's a nice handy link to it.

Not sure who to credit for this photo, if anyone knows please tell me!

Watched it? Finished taking a few minutes to process it? Grabbed a nice hot beverage to get yourself through my not-entirely-coherent rambling?

Good.

There was one thing that really stood out to me in this talk. If you strip away all the background about music and how trust and asking is important for musicians and artists you are left with a really stark and simple message; frequently, we are ashamed to ask for help. And that sucks.

I know there's a thousand reasons why we don't ask, and sometimes it's hard to overcome whatever barriers we all have set up inside that stop us from asking. I'm in a very loving, honest and trusting relationship and I still sometimes have to remind myself that it's okay to ask for things. "Could you hang out the laundry?" shouldn't be a hard thing for me to ask my James, but sometimes it is and if it's hard for me in that intimate relationship I have to wonder how hard it must be for so many people in other situations.

But that got me to thinking to a step further and I feel that to some extent we may be hesitant to ask because in Western societies as a whole, we feel an obligation to answer an ask to the affirmative. "Yes." Think for a second to when the last time is you said no when someone asked for something, and how it made you feel. I don't think I'm the odd one out when I feel guilty, like I've let someone down, when I say "no" instead of "yes". James will say "Any chance of a cup of tea" and sometimes it's hard to say "No" even to such a simple request from a loved person.

The thing I don't think people realise is that when "no" is the right answer for you to give it's really harmful to say "yes" regardless. Take the cup of tea example for a moment  and what would happened if I were to say "yes" when I wanted to say "no". Let's say I was reading a book and was up to a really interesting scene and didn't want to put it down when James asked, but did anyway out of a sense of obligation or something like that. Would I be doing it because I was happy and willing to do a simple task to make my boyfriend's day a bit easier and happier? Of course not, and perhaps I'd start feeling a little grumpy or resentful because of it. And is that helpful to our relationship? Not at all. Perhaps this was a bit rambly [even by my standards] but my point is that even if you feel like you are obligated to help when asked, if you are unable or unwilling to do so for whatever reason, you shouldn't and you shouldn't feel bad about it.

However, this brings me to a third thought. Think back again to that last time you refused a request for help. How did the asker react? I find that I'm frequently met with a snide comment, an affronted "Oh, okay then" or some passive-aggressive comment or even the silent treatment [though not ever from James, I should clarify. He's always nice]. Even offering a compromise; "I can give you a lift, but in an hour when I was already planning on going out that way" is often met with that kind of response. So that's not encouraging me to be honest and say no when I need to, so there may be a build-up of resentment, which leads to nicely strained relationships all around. Not much fun. And due to my grumpiness about feeling obliged to give other people what they want I in turn may react badly when someone turns down my request.

What I'm trying to say is that not only do we need to realise that there is no shame in asking for help, but that there is also no need to be ashamed of saying no if that's the right answer, and if you ask and are denied that is okay. Sometimes the person asked is unable to give the help and support the asker wants, and the asker has to respect that. What's really awesome, even if no help is given, is that by asking and answering honestly, you've started or deepened a relationship with a fellow human. And that, to me, is pretty damn important and also a really awesome thing.

Obviously Amanda was talking about asking on a larger scale, but I find that in this as in many things the same principles hold true despite the scale. Mostly it comes down to honesty.

"I need this, can you give it to me?"
"I'm sorry, I can't right now."
"That's okay, thank you for answering me honestly."
"And thank you, for reaching out to me when you needed help."

Review #10: Peacockalorum/Stocking Shock

Ever since I saw my first fawn fur capelet, I was in love. But alas! My practical side is often too strong, so when I've seen collars and capelets on the EGL sales community for $50+ I've always ummed and ahhed and eventually decided against it. Then when I saw the pretty collar on Peacockalorum's Etsy it was the start of a couple of months of internal debate, and I finally succumbed. 

I ordered the collar with ivory ribbon and cream lace, like shown in one of the listing pictures.

And this is my collar, straight out of the postage satchel, wrapped securely in it's little bag.

And this is me trying to mimic the listing picture - seriously, this collar had probably the most accurate stock photo I've ever seen. Pictures speak louder than words, we're told, and seriously, look at this.

A couple of close ups of the lace and the hook-and-eye closure.

As far as ordering goes, Etsy made that easy as the proverbial pie. I placed my order January 31st and it was posted February 12th, which I think is a decent turnaround time for a made-to-order item. I received the collar this afternoon, February 20th, which was quicker than the 10 days I was told it would probably take, so I'm happy.

After I placed my order on Etsy I had a bit of a hunt around the interwebz to see who else had acquired one of these collars, and I found out that Peacockalorum is one and the same as the lolita store Stocking Shock. The collar is a couple of pounds cheaper if bought directly from Stocking Shock, which is fair enough when you take into account Etsy fees and such, so though I did facepalm a bit about finding the direct shop after buying from Etsy it's not really a big deal.

All in all I'd really say if you want fawn fur, get this! I've attempted working in faux fur to make a  collar like this, and it's kind of a bitch. So to get something nicely made and in a good quality fur for under forty dollars [and that included postage from the UK to Australia!] is really phenomenal. All the sewing is very neat with only a couple of hardly noticeable stitches visible. It fits me perfectly and snugly, and I love it.

And lastly, I just wanted to share this picture of Syra, because it's cute.

She must have been tyre'd. Please don't kill me.

Review #9: Bodyline

A couple of weeks ago our household, and especially James and I, had to deal with a whole lot of unpleasantness from the horrible man who "rented" the granny flat of our place. Long story short, it was distressing  and James and I decided to treat ourselves to a little retail therapy.

We got several accessories and a schoolgirl outfit [LDC049 if anyone's curious] for photoshoots as well as two dresses for me and one of their boystyle seperates sets. So, with no further ado, onto the review!

L379, 2L in Black

The biggest question was: get the OP or get the JSK? James was saying I should get both, but it would have been a case where I would have loved one and the other would have sat in the closet gathering dust. I slept on it [what, buying clothes is serious business!] and decided to go with the halter-neck JSK. I got the 2L rather than the 4L even though technically my bust won't fit the 2L. Apparently my waist is a fair bit smaller than the average bust/waist ratio because frequently I have to buy things that are too large for my waist...not that I'm complaining, tending more towards hourglass is nothing but a good thing. But in any case, with this dress ordering a size smaller than my bust was a good idea because it fits perfectly, and a 4L would have been way too large. In person, this dress is cute and nice and it's refreshing to have something of a solid colour in my lolita wardrobe!

This dress is on the better end of Bodyline quality, a couple of loose threads being the only flaw in otherwise quite sturdy construction. The only thing was that it had a really strong factory smell when I pulled it out of the bag which was pretty icky. But a quick wash and all is well.

I tried to take some detail shots but my phone decided that it hates this dress, so I have nothing. But the stock photo is very accurate, so you do get what you expect with this JSK.

L479, 2L in Brown

This dress, according to the measurements, doesn't fit me. But it's one I've always wanted ever since I first started trawling Bodyline so on James's suggestion we got it anyway, and I am so glad we did. It's a perfect fit and is flat out the most gorgeous dress I own. It's just beautiful! The colours are so much darker and richer than they appear in the stock photo, the fit is perfect [even though my measurements are 102/82cm as opposed to 96/88cm, go figure] and it's so lovely! Both the neck and waist bows picture are detachable, however the waist ties are not. It's just do delicate and lovely and princess-y, this is a phenomenal dress.

James got a quick snapshot of me while I was frolicking happily, and as you can see this is actually a really good dress for a medium busted lolita. Personally I like the way the dress sits on me far more than how it sits on the model in the stock photos. This shot is also pretty spot on to the dress's colour in real life, unlike the stock photo.

L493, 2L

Is this steampunk, Barry? Yes, Other Barry, it's steampunk.

Imagine these with a better blouse, hot boots and a big, big gun...cos that's how we're shooting them next week! Yay, steampunk photoshoot! I've actually been thinking about dabbling in boystyle a bit lately, so it was exciting when James was all like "lets get this outfit". There's not all that much to say about this set, they're quite good and really look exactly like the product photo, so no photo from me!

As far as shipping and stuff goes, it took a few days longer for us to get this order than previous times. The packages came on Friday the week after postage  and they normally some between Monday and Wednesday. But still, that's nothing like the delays I've been hearing some girls in the US have been having lately so it's all good.

Review #8: Classical Puppets & One Day in Paradise

Recently I ordered a Classical Puppets bell-shaped petticoat from the Australia lolita store One Day In Paradise. My first petti is a Leg Avenue one I got off eBay and it has served me quite well but it doesn't provide much shape for skirts of heavier fabrics. It's brilliant with light dresses, and gives just the right amount of poof for me, but I needed something a bit more heavy duty as well. As I had heard many good things about Classical Puppets pettis I decided to give them a go, and fortunately ODIP had a black one in stock in my size.

This is the stock picture from ODIP. I didn't like that they didn't have a picture of the actual black petti I was buying, but that's not really a big deal - it is only a petticoat.

This is the petticoat I received, still crunkly from postage:

My phone doesn't like photographing it, but I love it! It's gorgeous and soft and so floofy! The only thing that makes me a little sad is that it doesn't have a line of lace at the bottom, but that ODIP's fault for not having an accurate picture. I put it on instantly and started prancing around, feeling like the puffiest princess ever. It was a great feeling. And so now I'm adding my voice to hundreds of others when I say, if you want a cupcake petticoat, Classical Puppets is the way to go!

Ordering from ODIP was easy. I sent a quick email to Marie, the lady who runs it, just to confirm that the petti was in stock and not a pre-order kind of thing, and she sent a helpful reply very quickly. The pricing was also very reasonable at $50. Given that there was no custom sizing waiting times I don't mind that the petticoat itself cost a little more than it would have been to buy directly from Classical Puppets or a reseller like Qutieland.

However, postage was quite an issue. It was almost a full week from placing my order to it actually being shipped, and as it was just a single in-stock item I felt like that was a little too long. From that point it still hadn't arrived two weeks later, so I sent another email to Marie. It turns out my order had been shipped to someone else in Sydney. Marie was very helpful and apologetic, and found out what had happened within a day of my emailing her. I just don't like mistakes like that happening because they are completely avoidable, and they don't just inconvenience me, they inconvenience whoever the package was accidentally sent to, and create lots of work and worry and fuss all around that would never have happened if whoever packed the package had made sure to triple check the order. So my petti was posted again on February 1st, three weeks and one day after I had ordered it, and I received it today, February 4th, almost a month after ordering.

Excited me this morning heard the postman's knock and dashed out to get my newest lolita purchase, finally. But I was honestly a bit jacked off when I opened the postage satchel and the petti tumbled out, because the little plastic wrapper it was in hadn't been fastened shut so the petti had slipped out and was just lying jumbled inside the satchel. Maybe I'm being too black-and-white here, but if someone dicks me around, I want it to be made up to me. An email apology when they're fixing a problem that occurred on their end doesn't cut it. If there had been a handwritten note of apology in the bag, maybe a voucher for a few dollars of store credit or free postage on my next order [and really, who ever actually uses those?] I'd have felt more forgiving, but I think it's stupid of a business to mess a customer around and not do anything to make amends. Because ODIP has lost a customer in me. I won't say no-one should order from them because I'm sure I'm the sucky case in a hundred where something goes wrong, but I wasn't happy with how they dealt with their mistake so unless I have no other choice I won't be a customer again.

So, just to sum it all up for anyone who didn't feel like reading this whole rambly post:
Classical Puppets: Phenomenal! So, so happy with my petticoat ^__^
One Day In Paradise: Easy to order from, but really messed up on postage and though I got my petti eventually I expect a business to make it up to their customers when they make a mistake like that, so I'm not the happiest of campers.

2013 Lolita Wardrobe Post.

January is apparently the time to post one's wardrobe to EGL, so post it I did - my little Bodyline, F+F and handmade wardrobe sneaking in amongst posts full of brand upon brand. I like my wardrobe this way. I've never been one to spend hundreds of dollars on a dress [shoes, now...that's a different story] so I like that there are budget lolita options.

I'm not going to cross-post the whole thing, but if you want to see my post on EGL you can find it here.

It was awesome to do this because it really let me take stock of my wardrobe. In 2013 I want to make a lot more of my own clothes [I'll let you in on a secret...I'm starting an indie brand soon!] and also support some of the awesome indie brands out there. I really need to get more accessories, especially tights and headwear, and I want to find some blouses that I love. I like the ones I have and they look good on me, but I really want to find a blouse I fall head over heels for.

But I love that I [with the help of my lovely man] was able to leap properly into this adorable fashion and get a complete wardrobe quickly. It's been a whole lot of fun so far and it's so cliché  I know, but wearing lolita makes me feel great!

Five super basic modelling tips.

Becoming a good model and learning how to look you best in front of the camera can be a long process for most of us. Coming up with a range of poses and facial expressions that come across well on camera takes time and practise, so I thought I'd pass on a few things I've learned from my time on both sides of the camera. These tips are mostly geared towards female models, because hey, I'm female myself, but some would be useful for the guys as well. In fact, they're all good for guys, just try to make them less effete.

So without further ado, here are some simple pointers and ideas you can use to look more at home in front of the camera.

Throw out your hip.
When written like that it sounds like something grandma did last year. But if you thrust one hip out to the side and thus shift your centre of balance, it gives a much more pleasing, curvaceous shape to you body. Obviously you need to do more to make a great pose, but throwing out the hip is a very good place to start.

Pay attention to your hands.
Often times a sign that betrays a newbie model in a photograph is awkward hand positions. Practise things to do with your hands, lots of things. Practise how to flare your fingers in a natural seeming way, how to hold your hand near your face and the most important one - learn how to hold your hand straight by your side without looking like a wooden soldier. I won't say that learning how to pose your hands well is easy, because for some people it isn't, but being able to make your hands look natural even in the most weirdly contorted positions can make a great difference to how a photo turns out.

That hand position, for the record, feel extremely odd. But it doesn't look it. Hand posing is one area where it's really important to have confidence in what your photographer is telling you to do, because if it feels weird we think it looks weird, but that really is not the case a lot of the time.

Tilt you head.
When moving your head around, don't just give the photographer your left side, right side, front on. Try tilting your chin down, turning your head to the left but then cocking your head back to the right. Tilting your head rather than simply turning it from side to side can give a whole range of different subtleties to a shot. With this tip, it's also important to remember not to tilt your head to an extreme angle, because that can look rather silly.  Practise in front of the mirror to find out what head tilts make you look cute, sexy, dark, high fashion, whatever.

Loosen it up a bit.
Relax. Really. It makes a big difference. One particular failing of mine as a model is that I tend to make my legs too rigid and in shots where my knees are bare that can make them look pretty ugly. How to fix that? Whenever I notice I'm tensing up and getting really locked into a pose I make myself relax. I bend my knees slightly and take a couple of big breaths. This is also really important to remember for facial expressions. Blink between shots, and drop whatever expression you are holding and resume it in time for the next shot. We all know how terrible a held smile can look, but holding any expression so long it goes wooden looks bad.

Know what you need.
Now this tip is a bit vaguer. Know what you need in a shoot to make you pose the best. Sometimes it may be handy to have some pose references on your phone to take a look at, maybe you like to check out the photos on the camera as you're shooting or perhaps getting very specific direction from a photographer helps you. Have a chat to your photographer before the shoot and explain that you need to check you phone poses, want to see the photos regularly, would like lots of direction, whatever.

So. There are five ways to easily improve your modelling skills. No go forth and model for awesome photographs!

Credits:
All photos in this post were taken by my lovely James man, and you can see more of both our work over on our facebook page. My make-up and hair in the top photo were by Amy.

Review #7: FanPlusFriend

Recently we bought some new clothes from FanPlusFriend, some for the Soul Capture model wardrobe and some for me.

For the model wardrobe we got:

Victorian Rococo Lolita Jacquard Square Neckline Ball Dress

Elegant Gothic Aristocrat Under Bust Lacing Up JSK/Dress

I have no real comment on either of these at them moment, other than that the zip on the green jacket thing is a bit wonky and doesn't like zipping down. However, we're going to use them in shoots soon, which will show up on facebook first if you're really keen to see how they look on.

And now for the things for me!

Gothic Lolita Basic Short Puffy Sleeves Pintuck Blouse

Firstly, it has to be mentioned that the random detached collar looks as ridiculous [if not more so!] in real life as it does in the stock photo. I will not be wearing it, ever. However, it may be able to be turned into a bonnet. We shall see... 

Other than that, this blouse is adorable. I'm coming to realise that for me to look really good in lolita, I can't wear collared blouses most of the time. They're definitely cute for some things, but the most flattering on my body is a lower square neckline. There are a few loose threads, mostly around the buttonholes but that's no big deal. The fit is wonderful  and there is corset lacing at the back to make it even more perfect. I'm very happy with this blouse.

Classical Gothic Lolita: Short Sleeves Blouse & Embroidery Frilly Jabot 

One thing about this blouse I didn't notice in the product photos is that the lace on the collar is in the shape of flowers! So cute! The sleeves are also more poofy in real life than in the picture. It's a good fit on the bust but I think I'll take the waist in a little - I got it in a size where the bust fits but the waist is too big so that's only to be expected. The jabot is detachable but unlike jabots on Bodyline blouses, doesn't button up at the back, you have to tie this one in a bow. And I suck at bows. But given that the jabot is really only going to be used for photoshoots that's not a problem.

For some reason my phone didn't want to photograph this blouse and refused to focus. However, the stock photo is very accurate on design and colour.

Both blouses do have one issue that isn't really an issue but is noteworthy; due to the pale colours of the fabrics they are both a little see through. I tried them on with a black bra and you could tell. The cuffs on the sleeves are also a little tight, and I don't have particularly big arms for my size, so that may be something to look out for if you have larger than usual upper arms.

Exquisite Maiden Lolita Neat Jumper Skirt 

Ahhh the cuteness! I love this dress. I've always had a fascination with sailor lolita, but it always tends to look a bit costume-y so it was great to find a dress that has a distinctly sailor vibe without being too in your face about it. The size I bought is slightly to big around the bust, but that can easily be taken care of and I'd rather spend a few minutes taking something in rather than paying for custom sizing.

Neither the stock photo nor my picture show how pretty this dress really is. The ruffle at the bottom is something chiffon-y and over that, around the neckline and armholes is a really simple lace that's really nice. The length is wonderful as it just hits the bottom of my knees, which makes it a bit more mature than most of my just above the knee lolita gear. Again, I love this dress.

As far as speed of ordering and shipping goes, we ordered December 7th, our order was shipped December 29th  and it arrived January 2nd. Not the fastest making time but not too bad either, especially given what time of year it is, and that is very good shipping. So all in all, I am a very happy Roli.